Living in the United States - Am I Even Wanted?

Recently I have been strongly considering moving to my wife country of South Korea. I was previously stationed there for two years when I served in the U.S. Army. One of the things I felt when living in South Korea was unity, collectivism, and a sense of togetherness. I mean, that would be obvious, especially being that I was in a homogenous Asian collectivist country. Still, the sense of togetherness even though I was a black American was overwhelming and different. Don’t get me wrong there were some people who didn’t like me just because of the color of my skin (Sorry black people, you will find that almost everywhere in the world, maybe expect Africa-No sure). But, even with those instances occurring in which some Koreans made a statement or stared at me, it was NOTHING compared to what I have endured as a black American living in my own country (being pulled over at gun point by police, being patted down by police when walking home from school while my white friends looked on, openly being told, I couldn’t afford an expensive wallet or suit while shopping at Nordstrom and being ignored while other guest who came later received their meals at restaurants before me, ohh, and every black-American favorite word [sarcastic here] being called a Ni@@er - These are just a very small few examples I’ll share now) But even as an soon to be birthed Ph.D., education did not save me, because all some people see is color and ‘boom’ you’re whatever negative connation that comes to their minds for them. The problem is that ‘boom’ moment turns into action and could lead to my or someone that looks like me, death/murder!

Yeah, yeah, I got it! No country is perfect! Believe me, I had the opportunity to live in over five different countries and see first-hand some of the pros and cons associated with those cultures. Still, even with all that, the question that keeps me thinking, is why after serving in the U.S. military for over 12 years, fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, getting educated to the point of preparation to defend my dissertation for my Ph.D. would I still want to live in a foreign country? After 3 or 4 conversation with my wife, I came to the conclusion that I do not feel accepted as part of America. Basically, I am saying/admitting that I do not feel AMERICAN. WOWWWWW, I said it! As a black American, living in the home of the free and brave, after wearing my nations uniform and fighting overseas, after living my entire adult life here; I DO NOT FEEL WANTED, heard, respected nor accepted as American.

If I am really honest with myself, I believe my feeling changed towards the thought of remaining in the U.S. after working for the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). During that time, my job included setting up and assisting in the facilitation of Naturalizing foreign-born citizens to become United State Citizens (USC’s). I probably helped with performing over 100 ceremonies, to include my wife who became a USC. What started to change for me was the fact that European white man and women who naturalized upon becoming a USC were immediately called American, while my wife and other darker skinned people(s) were sub-categorized as Americans, such as (Korean-American, African-American, Chinese-American). After 3-years of hearing this, I began to think, why do white Europeans coming from Australia, England, Germany, Ireland, Russia, Poland, and other majority white nations are given the great honor of being called ‘American’ as a stand-alone word, while I, myself, am called African-American, sub-categorized, not whole, but partial. When I visited Korea, or even when I stopped in Germany for training as a former soldier, although the population mostly white, when I did see a black person they still called them Germans – WHY? Because they are Germans, not Black-Germans/African Germans (it doesn’t even sound right) they are just Germans, as one people(s). Ultimately, I believe this was a trigger point for me and truly got me to start thinking about whether I feel America is home, or whether I every feel I have a home here or anywhere for that matter?

This Is UnTangled Talk-Join the Convo… What do you think? Have you ever felt this way? Maybe I’m going a little crazy here? Let me hear your experiences, thoughts, ideas. Thank you!